Italy: A Solo Tour

I just returned from another trip to Italy. This time I went by myself, as it is getting impossible to find friends who can get the time off or that I can tolerate on a trip. I'll fill in the details over the next few days, but suffice it say the trip was good fun.

Italy is overhyped as a tourist destination for Americans. Whether it's people who read some book about the Tuscan sun, have some Italian blood, or simply want to see the history of western civilization, Italy gets inundated by scores of crazed Americans every year. This trip was all about avoiding those people.

My plan: pack light and hit spots I'd never been to before. Since I'd been to Milan, Rome, Florence, Tuscany, Venice, Sicily, Capri and Amalfi, that wasn't going to be easy. I booked a roundtrip ticket to Rome, packed up a bag, and off I went.

The good news is that I'm writing this post-trip, so you know I survived my loosely planned journey. The bad news? Well there really isn't any to report here. But some funny stories that some might consider bad. Check back and I'll share them with you.

Ciao.

Common Sense and Lost Luggage

Today's Washington Post had a front page article on the increase in complaints about lost or delayed baggage on U.S. carriers. The usual excuses were given by the industry: weather, smaller planes, short connections, etc. They left out, but the reporter added in, the issue of bag theft.

Seems moronic that TSA does such a good job screening all of us and our bags before the bags (and our bodies) become the custodial property of the airlines, yet the airport employees seem to be able to ripoff so much stuff right from under their noses!

The article included a story about some really stupid woman who had checked a bag with $18,000 (yes, 18 THOUSAND DOLLARS) worth of jewelry. The bag went to Canada instead of Dulles, but she was lucky and got them back, jewelry included. First off, anyone who checks valuables is a moron. Second, why in the hell are you bringing that much bling on a trip? Yes, we all know you have lovely taste in diamonds and such, but leave them at home. Reminds me of tourists who visit developing countries loaded down with items that make them both shameless show offs as well as easy targets for theft.

Here are a few tips: 1) Leave the expensive stuff at home - if you have to bring it, carry it with you!; 2) NEVER check electronics in your suitcase; and 3) stop packing so much crap! Turns out they sell just about everything you'll ever need in most major cities in the world.

Save yourself the headaches and just pack light.

Oh the Irony!

Today I finally went to get my Indian visa renewed. Got all the paperwork together and hoofed it over to the consulate here in DC.

Turns out they've decided to outsource the visa process to a private company! So the country that is absorbing a large amount of outsourced work from the U.S. had decided to follow the model and outsource a key function of their own!
I'm sure the poor woman who mans the visa desk is happy. I just wonder if she'll still have a job next week.

Airport Screening

I've traveled a lot since 2001. I'd say probably 500,000 miles. That means I've been through airport security lines hundreds of times since they were enhanced after the tragedy that was 9/11. I've been poked and prodded, x-rayed, wanded, felt up and patted down. I'm sure this added focus has been a deterent to many of the nut jobs out there looking to make a name for their insane cause.

All that aside, I wanted to share two stories with you. One was recent, the other about 2 years ago.

First the old one. I was flying from DC to Atlanta for a meeting. I always travel with my laptop, so I knew the drill. Get in the security line, shove everything from my pockets into my laptop bag, take the laptop out of the bag, take my shoes off and throw all of the stuff into a variety of bins for the trip thru the magical x-ray machine. I followed my usual routine, went thru the metal detector and had to walk back through it because my watch set it off. I finally made it to my stuff, grabbed my laptop and hustled off to my gate. Turned out they'd moved the gate between the time I checked in and the time I got to the original gate, so off I sped to the dreaded G terminal at Dulles. The G terminal sucks mainly because it's crowded and has really shitty amenities. But I digress.

Once aboard my flight, I quickly turned my attention to some reading. Normally I'd be polishing up my presentation, but I'd already finalized it and didn't want to waste anymore time on it. Arrived at my hotel and unpacked. For once I didn't even bother to check e-mail. Next day I showed up early to the office and unpacked. At first glance the laptop looked a little different. The latch to open the screen had magically moved from the right to the left side. Hmm, I thought, that is bizarre. It then dawned on me that this was not my laptop. Uh oh! I flipped it over, looking for any identifying marks. Nope, my company asset tag was no where to be found. However, there was a tag that showed it belonged to someone in Singapore!

So where the hell was my computer? I quickly e-mailed the address on the tag, not sure if it was current. At the same time, my phone rang and I heard my assistant's voice on the other end. She said "There is some guy on the phone speaking in Chinese asking if I had his laptop." Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!

Turns out this guy was a government official from Singapore. He had been in Washington for meetings before flying onto Canada for additional meetings. The funny part? He worked in transportation security! So here I was, holding onto a laptop that may have had some really juicy stuff on it, and he had mine, which frankly had nothing really useful on it - unless you count my tax returns.

Getting the laptops exchanged was no easy task. We both had to ship them across borders, which makes for a major pain in the rump. In the end, we both got our laptops back and moved on with our careers. I'm sure he was caned once he got home.

Oh, and that laptop? It was stolen out of my office about two months later.

Now for the more recent experience. This time I was in Nashville flying home. Same routine, but now you also have to pack your liquids in tiny containers and then shove them in a quart-sized bag. One quart. Period. Pretty sure there isn't any scientific basis for this quart rule, but who am I to question the wisdom of the powers that be. This time I get thru the detector unscathed. Go to grab my stuff and no quart-sized bag. Vanished.

Where in the hell did it go? It was out of my sight for about 20 seconds. Clearly the guy in front of me either took or the x-ray machine ate it. I asked the TSA official manning the end of the line, and he just said: "You can file a report over there." Wow, thanks for nothing! I'm glad his alert eyes were on the look out for something else other than people walking off with shit that wasn't theirs. Next time they ask me to put my overpriced watch through, I will politely decline. So besides losing some rather expensive medicine, no huge loss. Best part? I got home and discovered I'd left my contact lense solution in my bag and the screener never saw it!

Moral of the stories? Travel light and never let your laptop out of your sight!

A Day at an Indian Zoo: White Tigers, Hungry Elephants and Begging Bears

Ok, it's been far too long. I've been back from India since March 1st and I'm now just getting around to downloading pictures.



On one of my last weekends in Hyderabad, I decided to see some new sights. I'd heard the Hyderabad Zoo was worth a visit, so I told my driver that we'd be going to the zoo over the weekend. He looked at me like I was a nut, but agreed to pick me up in the morning.



The zoo was supposed to be nearby, but like all things in India, it wasn't quite that easy. After about an hour in the car, we finally came upon a parking lot full of vendors, cars and people waiting in the ticket line. We went to check on prices and I quickly decided to splurge and pay for the right to drive my car into the zoo. Not into the parking lot, but literally INTO the zoo. Now it's not quite like Lion Country Safari, but you do get to drive around the exhibits and avoid some of the heat. I also liked the idea that I could escape into a car in the event an animal escaped from the cages.



I really only wanted to see one thing: the white tigers and their cubs who call the zoo home. The zoo has a pair of white tigers who had recently produced four white cubs. They weren't on display when we got there, but the zoo keeper quickly made arrangements (for a small fee) for me to go into the back of the cages and visit their home. The lovely tiger pictured above was the mom. She wasn't happy that I was there and made it known that if it was up to her, she'd feed me to her cubs. Always having a plan, I'd already scoped out the zoo keeper and knew I could easily outrun him. So I was safe for now.



Next stop was the little house where a few male tigers were snoozing away in their cages. The white tiger dad was napping and didn't seem fazed by my presence. The other tiger certainly did mind. The zoo keeper was also taunting the poor fellow, so I could see why he was annoyed. This fine fellow would have gladly ripped my arm off for a snack. Lucky for me I can still run and would have offered up the zoo keeper as a substitute.


I know some people find the idea of a zoo to be cruel and all, but I can say that in India it's far better for these tigers to be here. They face an almost certain death at the hands of poachers in the wild. The poachers are feeding a never ending demand for such delicacies as Tiger Penis Soup from the booming Chinese mainland. Maybe they should just change the name of Viagra to Tiagra and tell them it's the same thing. Honestly, poaching and encroaching settlements are the two biggest threats facing both tigers and elephants in India today. Hopefully more people realize what amazing creatures they are and step up protections.



The rest of the day was spent looking at various birds and animals and also enjoying a home cooked meal. The meal was prepared by the wife of my driver. I was incredibly thankful for it, as they probably spent a good part of their food budget on me. It was a delicious combo of mutton and chicken curries, homemade dal and rice. We ate it standing at the back of the car while the locals passed by and stared at me. I'm sure they were laughing at seeing me eat curry and rice with my hand.

Here are a few more pictures to admire. The bear pictured here had a great dance move and was the world's most effective beggar. He just stood up and people threw him food. Of course you're not supposed to feed them, but nobody seemed to follow any of the posted signs.







This was my favorite sign in all of India. I thought "Wow, finally I can see something good!" Turned out to only be a wild ass, or jackass or donkey or something that looked kind of like a horse.







And lastly, my favorite site was this guy. He just stood there and put his trunk out to collect sweets from his adoring fans. I was waiting to see if he'd snatch one of the people and drag them off to his cave, but apparently this was a friendly Asian Elephant. Of course, elephants aren't hostile creatures by nature. But they have been known to get pissed off and bust up a village here and there. There was a story in the local paper about one such irate elephant. I forget his name, but basically he killed a number of villagers and was a general terror to the countryside. As to be expected, the government killed an elephant and said the problem was solved (never mind the fact that they killed the wrong elephant). Well then the elephant gang decided "Fuck that" and exacted their revenge. I'm not making this up. A herd of elephants then visited a nearby village and destroyed it. Yes, destroyed it out of revenge. And who says elephants aren't smart?

Valentine's Day in India

Yes, that crass, overly commercialized "holiday" has infiltrated India. And it's just as bad here as it is in the U.S.

I'm not against romance at all, just the idea that on this one day you're supposed buy "stuff" for your loved one at prices 3 to 4 times the normal prices (e.g. roses).

Several people wished me a happy valentine's day, not something you do in the U.S. after the age of 10 or 11. Even the male bartender at my hotel said it. I thought, how odd coming from a bartender. Of course the kindness expressed from such a greeting is always appreciated, it's just different.

I also noticed a young lady at the coffee stand in our office lobby. She had five individually wrapped red roses. I asked her if they were for Valentine's Day (I know, stupid question) and she said yes. She'd bought them for her friends, as none of them had boyfriends and she wanted them to feel special. Her actions summed up the real meaning of any of these "holidays" - that is small gestures to friends mean a lot.

Reminds of another "holiday" they have here - Friends Day. I think I wrote about it last year, but it's really lame. One day a year you're supposed to buy gifts for your friends and call them and say "Happy Friend's Day!" Rubbish. I was in the car with a local friend when his cell rang. He answered and said "Yeah, you too. Uh huh. Bye." I asked who it was and he said it was someone he barely knew, calling him to wish him the aforementioned greeting. He said what I was thinking - that if someone is really your friend, shouldn't you show that appreciation all year long?

Much like if you love someone, shouldn't that be expressed every day?

Under the Mango Tree

More about the title in a minute.

As I usually do, I procrastinated some key errands until the day of my departure from home. Packing done? With an hour to spare. Medications? Oops, stopped on the way to the airport for the prescription to keep me free from malaria. Laundry? Planned ahead and did that over the weekend. Haircut? Uh, last trip I managed to sneak it in on departure day. This time I ran out of time. So off I went, scraggly longish hair and all.

After checking into the hotel and being greeted with "Hello Mr. Sean, you need a haircut." I realized it was perhaps overdue. Then I went to my office and was greeted by the exact same comments, except I heard it from 15 people. "You look older" or "Did you gain weight?" or "Are you well?" Seriously, one of the many things I love about this country is the directness on some topics. Of course I'm also frustrated to no end when the same directness is not used in some aspects of our work. But that is for another time.

Ok, now about the title. As should be expected in India, barbershops come in many forms. The most common is literally the UMT - a guy with a chair, scissors and a mirror nailed to, you guessed it, a mango tree. So when I asked the guys at the office where to get a haircut, the first response was: "You want a UMT?" I said no, I'll take my chances with an enclosed, air conditioned shop.

The hotel recommended a "salon" which was just a decent looking barber shop. The barber spoke about three words of English: short, medium, and shave. I opted for the medium and it turned out as I should have expected: horrible! I guess he'd never cut curly hair and he managed to make one side burn thinner than the other.

Oh well, at least the hotel manager complimented me and said "You look much better, like the old Mr. Sean."

Locked In An Indian...

Bathroom stall!!

You thought I was going to say jail? Didn't you? I'm all about avoiding any contact with law enforcement on my trips, and this one is no exception. Although I probably could have used the Loo Patrol for this scenario.

No this event was pure humor. At least to me. I found myself in the facilities today at the office. They are basically like small rooms with an opening about 8 feet up and a 6 inch opening on the bottom.

I locked the door and when I went to open it, the door wouldn't open! The lock appeared to be unlocked, but the door wasn't budging. I thought, oh just great. I'm going to be late for a meeting because I'm trapped in the can!

I was finally able to get the attention of the non-English speaking bathroom attendant who tried to open the door in the same manner as I had just tried. Not wanting to offend the poor guy, I let him try anyway. After about five minutes of him dismantling the lock and consulting with the now growing contingent of the Indian Bathroom Attendants Union, Local 438, I finally took matters into my own hands.

Up I went over the 8 foot wall and swung down like a monkey off a branch and landed gracefully on the ground, with my arms raised just like the Olympics. I awaited the judges score for my dismount, but was only greeted by five, very small, smiling Indians. Clearly the humor wasn't lost on them, even with the language barrier. I took a bow and immediatly left the premises, but did stop to wash my hands to set a proper example.

I'm glad I can provide humor to someone who doesn't speak the same language. And I'm sure they'll be sharing the story at their next get together.

Back in India: Traffic and Pollution Are My Friends

Ok, I've actually been back here since February 6th but just haven't had time to write. So I'll add a few entries for this trip and will add some photos as soon as I get home. Yes, I forgot the cable to download my pictures.

First off, I am always surprised to see what changes have taken place here in Hyderabad during my time at home. These truly are the boom times for this city, so there appears to be constant construction and demolition.

One major project that has been moving along at a snails pace is the construction of a series of what they call "flyovers" and we'd call overpasses. The roads here are seriously congested and there is only so much road widening that can happen in a built out area. So they're simply going up and adding expressways to pull cars out of the congested intersections. Noble goal, but the execution seems lacking. I'm also not so sure I trust the way they're pouring the concrete supports - literally with buckets, one at a time.

One thing that hasn't changed: traffic. From the moment you exit the airport, the horns start. And the commute to the office can take upwards of 60 minutes. Kind of makes me homesick for the traffic of LA. And the traffic isn't going to get any better. It seems the one manufacturing sector India is intent on overdeveloping is the automobile. With the rising buying power of the middle class, auto sales are growing at huge rates. So it's making the traffic worse - as cars replace 2 wheelers - and making the threat of pollution (in an already polluted place) even bigger.

And for you hardcore enviros, how come India is exempt from most of the Kyoto agreements?

Off and Running in 2007

Just about the time I was nice and settled back home, I once again had to venture out again.

Nothing too exciting, just some mundane work trips to Cleveland and Dallas.

First Cleveland. If you haven't been, I don't recommend visiting in January. It's very cold and a bit desolate. But the people in Cleveland are always friendly and you can't complain about the food. You can complain about the weather, but everyone does, so why bother.

Dallas is also a tricky place to visit. I had the misfortune of flying there twice within a week. Painful. I also learned (the hard way) that if your meeting is in Irving, you shouldn't stay downtown. Especially the night before the NHL All Star game! My observations about Dallas? I don't think there was much in the way of urban planning or road planning. Both of the Westin's there suck, as does the airport. And forget leaving on time if there is any sort of ice or snow. My plane sat on the runway for three hours waiting to be deiced before our pilot got someone to come out and physically inspect the plane (there was no ice).

I'm not complaining - it's really enjoyable visiting new and old places, even if they're in Texas.

2006: A Year In Review

Now that 2006 is fading into recent memory, I put some thought to my travel adventures and misadventures during the year.

By my own estimate I logged about 140,000 miles in the air on a variety of airlines in 2006. Mostly United and Lufthansa, but also American, Delta, US Air, Continental, LAN Peru, Kingfisher, Jet Airways, Air Deccan (the worst airline in the world) and Paramount Air. I spent lots of time in India, side trips to Thailand (twice) and Singapore. Also spent three weeks in Italy and a few days visiting Machu Pichu in Peru (thanks to a few extra days off from my firm!).

I also continued my US travels for work and fun, making trips to NYC to visit with my brother and his wife; Miami and the Keys; Las Vegas for the first weekend of March Madness; Indianapolis for the NCAA Final Four; Chicago and South Bend for the UCLA-Notre Dame game; Las Vegas again for a work conference (yes, it was work!); several trips back home to LA for high school reunions, family gatherings and Christmas; Chicago, Atlanta and Cleveland for work; plus a few other random trips I'm forgetting. All in all I spent about as many night sleeping in hotels or in my little brother's house as I did in my actual bed! Yikes!

And although I have a nice new kitchen back in DC, I probably ate at least 400 meals in restaurants. Surprisingly I also managed to lose weight. Thank god for Indian food and food poisoning!

What does 2007 look like? It's already looking to be as busy as 2006. Work trips in January to Cleveland, Dallas and Nashville; another month long trip to India, followed by 3-4 more trips over the course of the year. And I haven't even begun to plan vacations.

Hope you all have a great 2007 and remember you now have to have a passport to travel anywhere outside of the US. So get off your ass and go get one!

Happy travels.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Nollaig Shona agus

Athbhliain faoi Mhaise Daoibh!

Crashing an Arranged Marriage Meeting

A few weeks back, while I was in Kolkata, I had the chance to observe the first meeting between a future bride and groom. This is my story.

Sitting around the hotel lobby on a Sunday, I am positive I witnessed the awkward moment of a couple meeting for the first time for an arranged marriage. Both were young, she was pretty, he looked awkward, and they both looked nervous as hell. The bride's family had entered the lobby and sat directly behind me. I saw another family enter the front door and the fathers signaled to each other. The groom's (or do I call him the bachelor?) family strolled in, and included his parents, a brother or two and a grandmother. They made the introductions and
I tried to listen in without appearing obvious (I failed, the brides father clearly scowled at me).

As they walked off to have lunch together, the groom-to-be was walking about five steps in front of her. I thought to myself, if any of us had done that on a first date, we’d surely never have seen her again!

We in the west often scoff at the idea of an arranged marriage. Hell, I'm sure many of my friends and family would have loved to have married me off 20 years ago. I have to say, after meeting so many friends here, that the practice seems to work for most here. There are more and more "love" marriages, which also carry potential problems for the couple. Mixed marriages (religion, but rarely caste) are also more and more common.

I also learned a bit about dowry's - which are illegal now in India. With Hindu's, the bride's family gives "gifts" to the groom's family; with Muslim's, the groom's family gives gold to the bride's family; and Christians don't have to give anything. Not sure what you do if you're Jewish.

My favorite section of the newspaper here, besides the Society page, is the Matrimonials. These are classified ads placed by the families to advertise the son/daughter they are looking to marry off. They can be amusing to an outsider, but are filled with details to encourage prospective "alliances." Yes, alliance is used often. It shows that marriage here really is about the interests of two families, not just two people. I'll copy a few of my favorites onto another post.

And for those of you who joked about me coming home with an Indian wife, sorry to disappoint you. Although it might be funny to write my own ad and see if they'll publish it.

Death On A Goan Highway

WARNING: Don't read this if you expect a happy, jolly post. It isn't. This post is about something tragic that I had the misfortune of stumbling upon. So if you're squemish, please just close the window.

After that great Thanksgiving dinner I told you about, I hired a taxi to take me from Baga Beach to my hotel in Tanjim. My driver was a very nice young guy who quickly zipped us off towards my destination. The taxi's in Goa include these very tiny little vans (think clown van), as well as the usual SUV and Auto-rickshaws. Many other tourists simply rent scooters or mopeds and drive themselves. As we were flying along the roads, he was playing me some Hindi music that had quite a beat to it. We were talking about random things and I was trying to find a seat belt. There were none. So I was sitting low, kind of hoping he'd slow down, but also aware that the roads were empty.

An SUV taxi overtook and passed us. He was clearly in a bigger hurry than we were. He continued on the right (wrong) side to pass some cows who were out for a late night jog. My driver said it's common to kind of "draft" off the cows because they usually just run straight and it's safer. We cleared the cows too, and I thought to myself "Those are some damned fit cows!"

About two minutes later I heard a very short screech and a load bang. I couldn't tell if it was in front or behind me, but I did notice we were stopping VERY quickly and that the SUV was now stopped in front of us. As we swerved around it, I looked to my left and saw a scooter down in front of the SUV and two guys laying on the ground. I told my driver to stop so I could see if I could help in anyway. My first aid and CPR skills are a bit rusty, but I figured they were better than nothing.

I jumped out and ran back and saw the driver of the scooter on the ground. He was wearing sunglasses and had on his cell phone ear piece. His right arm was raised above his head and he was clearly dead. The SUV driver was out and screaming about how they had been on the wrong side of the road and he had no chance. The scooter passenger was moaning, but not moving. Their friends, who'd been in front of them on scooters, quickly showed up and were screaming, shocked at the site of their friends. I knew it was a bad situation that was only going to get worse.

I pushed my driver back towards the van and we left. He called the police on his mobile to report the accident (no one had called it in yet) and we headed to my hotel. He was visibly upset, and I could see him shaking. He started to pray and I put my hand on his shoulder and said nothing. He also said he was going to drive much slower, a point I was hardly going to argue over.

When all is said and done, two young professionals, enjoying a holiday with their buddies, lost their lives on that dark stretch of highway. My point? Stop taking life for granted and live it to its fullest.

Thanksgving in Goa

I found myself away from home yet again on Thanksgiving. This makes it three of the last six years I've managed to be in another country, instead of at home with friends and family. Sorry mom, I promise to be home next year.

I did manage to share Thanksgiving with friends, although we had to settle on grilled lobster instead of the standard turkey and stuffing. The funny part of that story is the friends, Jeff & Danielle, live relatively close to me. Probably no more than 3 or 4 miles. Yet we never manage to get together, so we had to do it here - 9,000 miles away from DC! After arriving 4 hours late (never fly Air Deccan if you're in a hurry), we dined on lobster and ice cold Kingfisher beer. Good times. I had a horrible experience on the way back to my hotel, but that'll wait for another post.

If you read my Kolkata post, you may recall how everyone responded when I told them I was going to visit that city. Well Goa also elicits a response from everyone - only this time it's a positive one. Eyes light up and smiles spread. If they've been to Goa, they just say how amazing it is. If they haven't been there, they say how amazing they've heard it is. Now, this being India, my expectations are low. I'd heard how wonderful Pondicherry was, and I thought it generally sucked. But Goa was something entirely different.

Goa was a Portuguese colony from the 1500s until 1961, so it's very different from the rest of India. For one, it's very Catholic. It's also very clean, has good roads and absolutely stunning beaches. It also has beef! Goa also happens to have the highest average income in the country, so it's fairly prosperous. That wealth is due to two major industries: Agriculture and Tourism.

Although India is home to some 700 million people who scrape out a living farming, Goan farms produce expensive commodities like fruits and spices. The tourism industry here is also booming, with some beautiful, world class resorts and tons of smaller, less expensive hotels right off the beach.

I stayed at the Marriott in Panjim. I tried to book a room at one of the Taj resorts, but they were all booked out for the weekend. The hotel is very nice, with vivid colors, comfortable rooms and a really crummy casino. I did not gamble a dime but did walk through to check it out. The sign at the door said "Blackjack" but all I saw were slot machines. I make a point of never gambling outside of Vegas, so I kept my streak alive.

On Saturday I wanted to go see the sites. I asked the hotel about car services and the woman said I could only hire a car for 8 hours minimum for the about 2800 INR ($62). I walked 1 foot outside of the hotel gate and hired a mini van for 900 INR ($20). The driver was very friendly and a good tour guide.

First stop on my tour was Old Goa. It was the capitol of Goa for sometime, before being abandoned in the early 1800s. It's still home to some grand old churches, and also is the home of the remains of St. Francis of Xavier. I dropped by his crypt to say hello, but he's only brought out for viewing once every ten years. I don't think that is enough to get me back here, but who knows.

If you are planning a trip to India, you'd be well advised to end it in Goa. It is the perfect place to recharge after the chaos that is India.

"You are Very White"

I am? No!

That comment was made to me in Kolkata by a drunk, middle aged Indian businessman who was gorging on the hotel buffet with his fat friend.

Giggling like little school girls, they were downing beer after beer and chain smoking. The skinnier (relative term here) one started to chat with me, asked me what I thought of India, etc. Then he made the "you're very white" comment! I just looked at him and said that my people had come from a place where people were, well, very WHITE and that I didn't tan very well. I always considered myself more of a pinkish color, but whatever. I was so tempted to say something along the lines of "You are very fat" or "You smell like you ate a nicotine bush," but I really didn't take his comment as offensive.

Just stupid.

Mother Teresa

Some people are selfless. Some are selfish. Most of us probably fall somewhere along the line between the two.

While I was in Kolkata, I had the chance to visit the Missionaries of Charity facility. It is where Mother Teresa lived, served and offered love to people who had nothing. Nothing. Not "I don't have an iPod/color tv/filet mignon." Nothing. Maybe a set of clothing. Maybe not. Maybe teeth. Maybe not. Maybe the ability to speak. Maybe not. Maybe the ability to read. Most likely not. You get my point.

To see poverty in the way that it's thrown in front of you here can be a shock. I sat in front of her tomb and read the inscription "Love one another as I have loved you" and thought, wow, here lies the remains of someone who will likely become a saint, who lived in a room smaller than most of our closets.

Not to be overly preachy, but I would hope that more people would be thankful for what they have, and not upset over what they don't have. If you need a lesson in this, come visit the sisters who run this place.

One last thing. As I've visited temples around India, I've usually been confronted with the demand to pay for everything. Check your shoes? Money. Enter the temple? Money. I was ready to start handing out notes as soon as I walked in the door here. But you know what? Not one single request. Not a sign, not a hand thrust in my face, nada. It was refreshing. Of course I made a donation as I left, and I'm sure they end up collecting far more from people because they don't ask.

Oh! Calcutta!

Since I've never seen the movie or Broadway show "Oh! Calcutta!" I'd always assumed it was in some how connected with the city and/or India. Turns out I was wrong.

Also finally learned what the "Black Hole of Calcutta" was. You'll have to go look it up, as it's way too long to describe here. Only thing you need to know: it's not here anymore.

I spent this past weekend in this former British colonial capitol. When I told people where I was going, they all, I mean all, looked at me like I was some kind of a freak. “Kalkota? Do you know anyone there?” or “Kolkata? It is the dirtiest city in India.” I insisted that my goal was to see as much of India as I could, and that Kolkata was on the list.

I arrived a little late – hey, it’s India – and headed to my hotel. The airport is located in Dum Dum. Great name huh? Dates back to the fact the British invented the “dum dum” bullet here or something. I noticed the huge numbers of cows as soon as we left the driveway of the airport. I’ve seen cows all over India, but they were everywhere here. I later found out that the area around the airport, although developing quickly, is mostly comprised of agricultural villages.

We drove thru Salt Lake City on the way. Yes, they have a SLC here too. It is home to many software and tech companies, and there were lots of people on bikes. However, I didn’t see any Mormons and the only temples were Hindu. When I told my driver we too had a Salt Lake City, he seemed surprised.
I took a blitz tour with my driver of the sites of the city. Victoria Memorial, some bridges, the Ghats, lunch at a hotel, a very ill conceived walk thru the New Market where I was joined by my very own “coolie” who insisted that I need not buy anything, but I had to look. Only problem is if you make any eye contact with a shop owner, it’s nearly impossible to get away from their grip. So throwing manners aside, I simply ignored everyone, including the man who tried to use the age-old “I know you” line. I said “You do? What’s my name?” Much like my friend in Phuket who I threw off with my “I’m from India” line, this poor sap just looked at me and smirked. Phew, dodged another store full of crap I will never put in my house, but some of you may get as Christmas gifts!

After I escaped the market, my little helper, Afjal (Badge #64), insisted that I put his name and id number into my cell phone, in the event I come back to shop. I did just that, and now I’m putting Afjal's name out on the web for the entire world to see. So if any of you ever find yourself in Kolkata and in need of a dose of shopping, please look out for Afjal. And to steal a line from Dave Chappelle, “Afjal, your famous, biotch!”

One aspect of Kolkata that just punches you in the face is the poverty. I had one woman, holding a small baby, follow me through the entire market saying “I’m poor, no husband, baby food.” She wouldn’t take the “no, sorry” from me and kept following until she finally realized I wasn’t going to give her anything. It’s not that I didn’t feel bad, it’s just that as soon as you give anything to anyone here, there will be 50 more right behind them. I did give a donation at the Missionaries of Charity though, so stop muttering those anti-Republican, heartless bastard comments about me. I'm a big believer in charitable causes, I just know I can only do so much when confronted by such a big need.

The area around the New Market is the ground zero of the tourist trade. And it’s also one of the last cities in the world with human pulled rickshaws. There are about 18,000 of them employed around the city, most earning less than 50 INR a day. Most of the pullers I saw were barefoot, and walking around barefoot here is a dangerous proposition. I tried to get a good picture of one, but this is all you’ll get.

Last comment – for some reason, as we drove down Sudder Street, some insane man decided I’d offended him. I hadn’t done anything, was merely looking out the window of my car. He had long, scraggly hair, and I swear I saw him in Berkeley about 15 years ago. He just started screaming “F you! F you!” and staring insanely at me. I did what came instinctively to me – I smiled and flipped him off.

A few more pictures for you. Random heard of goats walking around the market area. And a picture of some men bathing at the Hooghly Ghats.

Chilly Powder And Other Stuff To Leave At Home

I took another side trip this weekend up to Kolkata. I got to the airport a little too early and had loads of time to read the paper and people watch. I noticed a very large digital scrolling sign above the Indian Airlines x-ray machine that was listing the things allowed/not allowed on planes. It was pretty funny. I would have taken a picture, but it's illegal to take photos inside of some Indian airports. I didn't want to test the system to see if Hyderabad was one of them.

I wrote this down exactly as it appeared:

Welcomes. Indian airlines limited x-ray scanning of registered baggage.
Banned items – Guns/revolvers/pistols of any types and replicas items these ammunition/bullets of any kinds, knives of any size or type except kripan with 6 inch blade and 3 inch handle, brass knuckles/explosives of any type/disabling chemicals or gases/large heavy tools (wrenches/pliers/crow bar/axes/ice pick/power drill/saws/fire extinguishers/box cutters/screw drivers/darts/bows and arrows/mace/martial arts devices/pool cues/hockey sticks, baseball bats, golf clubs, cricket bats, ski poles, gas lighters, cork screws, razor blades, straight razors, scissors exceeding 5 inch lengths, chilly powder, household cutlery, knitting needles.

Permitted items – passengers are permitted to carry cash. Jewelry/Gold. Valuable documents etc in their handbaggage only. Permitted items in the handbag: walking sticks, umbrellas (folding type). Feeding bottles. Shaving kits excluding razor blades and straight razors. Medicine required during flight like asthma inhaler etc. Laptop. Cell phones one piece of cabin baggage.

Oh, I better go retrieve the bag I just checked! I left 2 gold bars, my passport and 50,000 rupees in it!

I was surprised to see the ban on baseball bats, as no one I’ve met here knows anything about the sport. And I find it very amusing that a religious dagger (kripan) is ok to bring aboard, as are 4 inch scissors. Getting stabbed by 4 inch blades feels so much less deadly than those 5 inch bastards.

And they made me check my contact lense solution! Watch out, I might spray you with some saline if you piss me off!

Good to see common sense is dead over here too.

Public Peeing

One of the first things you'll notice around India, is that some men will simply take a piss wherever they are. Driving down the road on my first day here, I looked out the window and saw a guy pissing on a wall. Painted on the wall was a painted sign that said "No Urinanting" in English and Telagu. He apparently only read French.

I was beginning to think no one cared, until I picked up today's paper. On page 5 was a story detailing how the Municipal Corporation of Hyderabad had conducted a series of inspections and slapped 150 people with fines for urinating in public. The best (worst?) part is they simply went to areas with public restrooms and nabbed people who were too lazy to walk inside. The fines were Rs 50 (a little over a dollar) or Rs 15 for those unable to pay the full amount. The funniest part of the article has got to be the accompanying picture showing an inspector standing behind a man pissing on a wall and pointing at him. I'm sure the man was startled and turned around and pissed on the inspectors leg.